Cabrera was spotted by a deputy in a car with a smoking engine alongside a road in Fort Pierce. Inside the vehicle, Cabrera smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech and took a swig from a bottle of scotch in front of a deputy, according to the St. Lucie County Sheriff's Office. He refused to cooperate and more deputies were called to the scene.
I have such a sneaking suspicion that Ozzie Guillen is behind this entire ordeal. Guillen and Miguel Cabrera are said to be "good friends", as they both hail from Venezuela. I don't buy that fucking second. Seriously, just look at how this is all shaking out. Cabrera has become one of the best players in baseball since he's joined Detroit. The dude was second in AL MVP votes last year. He was literally tearing the American League to shit day in and day out, and Guillen knew he had to do something. He wasn't going to let this shit slide. Since Major League Baseball watches every one of Guillen's moves, especially through umpires like Joe West and Angel Hernandez, Ozzie knew he had to find a loop hole.
And that loop hole happened to be Miguel Cabrera's fledging alcoholism.
On October 5th, 2009, Ozzie decided he'd take Cabrera out for a night on the town. The two got absolutely obliterated, and the night ended with Cabrera beating his wife and blowing a .26 after he got arrested for domestic violence. Here's his wife's 911 call. Ozzie had to have been applauding himself, but only a matter of hours later, Cabrera went 2-5 with a double, a home run, and two ribbies. Guillen had to be like WTF
Knowing he was on the right track, Ozzie definitely took the entire 2010 season to compose a plan to get this mother fucker off the Tigers and out of the division. He timed it perfectly too: the first day pitchers and catchers reported to spring training. This is EXACTLY why the White Sox are the last team to report to Spring Training in the entire league. So Ozzie can get rid of this pest Miguel Cabrera for good.
I love how Cabrera went out though. Basically told the cops to fuck themselves by slamming a shot of scotch in front of their stupid pig heads and telling them he'll buy his way out of it. The Tigers, however, are "worried about his health" and are considering asking him to go to rehab. HA! Talk about a distraction! First day of Spring Training and your best player is being considered for rehab by your management. What a buzz kill.
If this doesn't work, who knows what Guillen will have up his sleave? Chicago knows damn well that it's gonna be fucking great though. Now we just need Ozzie to pay Justin Morneau to fake another concussion and Joe Mauer to start hanging out with Josh Hamilton on the reg...
This is so Belichick-esque it's not even funny. The man may look like he's dumber than shit, but he know's exactly what the fuck he's doing.
UPDATE - Ozzie feeds media lies when asked about the situation <-- Link
I love the genius surrounded behind this. I swear he's taking pointers from Belichick on how to fuck with other teams
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