Wanna be the Voice of the Cubs? Me either.

ESPN - How does "The Voice of Wrigley Field" sound as a new job title?

The Chicago Cubs announced Monday they are searching for a new public address announcer at the Friendly Confines, and they are opening the job search up to anyone, posting the ad on jobs site careerbuilder.com.

Candidates are invited to send in their applications -- including an audio or video sample -- by March 7. Finalists will be chosen for live auditions at Wrigley Field by March 14 with a final decision to be made by March 25.


The online job ad says experience working as a public address announcer in college or professional sports is preferred, but candidates "of all backgrounds are encouraged to apply."


Any asshole who tries to land this gig is a fucking loser.  Even Cubs fans know that the only reason you go to a Cubs game is to get completely obliterated drunk.  Why else would you want to go?  I mean it's not like there's a winning product on the field.  To spend a game at Wrigley sober, (let alone 81 games) you would have to be completely insane.  Age limitations don't matter.  Half the bleachers are high school kids with water bottles of vodka in their cargo shorts.  Cubs fans have to empathize with me here right?  Am I way out in right field with Milton Bradley?  And I feel like the Cubs will want a TRUE Cubs fan.  Like Harry Caray.  And any TRUE Cubs fan will want to be throwing back Old Style like it's fucking water.  I know what you're thinking, "But Dave, Harry Caray got drunk while he was in the booth, why can't the new PA announcer just drink and announce at the same time?"  First off, fuck you bitch.  Second, the Cubs don't want another announcer croaking in the booth because the Cubs make him drink himself to death.  It's bad mojo.  They have a dead team on the field, they don't need a another dead PA announcer too.  


And who do I think should be the new PA announcer? Ronnie Woo Woo.  At least then we wouldn't have to hear him annoy the shit out of us when we're kicking it with the bleacher bums, getting retarded drunk, and doing our best to make Ryan Braun cry in left field after a solid four innings of heckling for a 1.20 day game.